Day 365 / Fear

Instagram reminded me that it’s been a year since I uploaded this picture, as of today.

What it really reminded me of, though, is how much creativity was spilling out of me during that time. I had created all 3 images in this series and then some and was holding on to all of them to post one by one so I could have consistent content on my website that I’d just redesigned. I had a “social media” plan for increasing my following and all these goals and plans. I had a queue of art so I could post regularly without having to create regularly, but I was still creating pretty frequently - especially compared to the last 6 months.

I wish that my creative process wasn’t so inconsistent. I wish I was constantly overflowing with ideas like I was this time last year. I wish I had made my art a priority all year long. But, I didn’t - and that’s life. I haven’t had an image pop into my head that I could successfully create and share with you since June. I’m not counting gen.e.sis because I don’t like it at all (lol).

I’ve dubbed 2019 as the year of fearlessness, so I guess I have to be fearless in the face of my currently depraved creative spirit… I can manage that. But, if I’m being honest with myself (and all of you), fear is what’s kept me from creating more the last 6 months. That, and this absolutely absurd, should-be-illegal cold weather we’ve been having. It’s hard to create when daylight is gone by 4:30 and you work an 8-5pm job…. right? Yeah. That’s a fantastic excuse.

But truly, I have plenty of ideas. I’ve just laid down and made my bed in this rut. I’m sleeping here because I’ve reached a place where I need to be more bold, fearless and adventurous with my art. My rut is more comfortable. To do these ideas justice I have to leave my apartment???? I might need someone else to be present while I do my weird poses that make zero sense in the real world?? That’s super scary to me….

Ironically, I have a really hard time sharing my art with people - it’s why I write. It’s easier for me to throw up all these words on “paper” and edit them until my fingers fall off than it is to talk about my art over coffee or -heaven forbid - involve another creative person in the actual, physical, literal process of creating. #yikes.

I don’t have this stuff down to a science - it’s super trial/error based, so bringing another person into this process truly freaks me out and paralyzes me, since there’s no guarantee of success (and definitely a guarantee of me looking like a crazy person). Hence the 6-month rut with a mattress and fluffy pillow in it.

I know this is stupid. I know it’d be worth it to be brave and stick my neck out. I know I shouldn’t care if I get weird looks from passersby on the highway while I’m running around in the trees in a black dress with a tripod. I KNOW.

Yet, here I am.

Except now I’m writing this, so I’m openly admitting it. Which means I should do something to change it - to set a good example for my peers and whoever reads this and be awesome and brave. I’ve taken steps to do just that in other areas of my life… so, why not this one?

I’ve let fear control every single thought I’ve had since I was a kid, and I’ve only just recently identified it as such. It’s difficult to realize that a voice so familiar could be a voice that whispers lies and intends to suffocate me, not keep me safe.

You’d think a concept like this would be really interesting to try and articulate visually, but honestly I have no desire to try… yet?

Ironically, these photos were supposed to illustrate a pursuit of your passion - whatever that looks like, and against all odds. I guess I’ve decided my rut is comfier than my pursuit. I think I’ve done that in a few areas of my life, without knowing it.

Uhh, anyway... I guess the whole point of this post is to be like “look at me, I’m afraid and I probably won’t do anything about it!” But, on the off chance I decide to sit up and poke my head out of my rut, maybe a few of you will be around to celebrate with me.

If you read all of this, I owe you a cookie.