Something about this piece doesn't sit right with me. 

I've put off sharing it for a really long time. 

Something I read by Brooke Shaden (I know, big surprise) inspired me to be a little vulnerable with you all, though. 

While I consider Brooke to me my artistic soulmate, she has been in the game much longer than me, and creates an unbelievable amount of content. She appears to have her artistic process down to a science, though who really knows what goes on behind the scenes! 

Anywho, she recently posted about her fear to share the art she thinks is sub-par. She shared that a lot of the time, the pieces she shares that she doesn't really like end up being her viewer's favorites. Because of this, she has pledged to share content always. In the spirit of vulnerability and honesty. I think that's incredibly brave and admirable. 

Ironically, this image feels out of my control. The non-brave, non-vulnerable Rachel would sit on this image for another few months and come back to it over and over until I had tweaked it to death and produced something I like.

So this is me, being brave and vulnerable, and pledging to love my art, whether it hits the mark every time or not. Because the reason I create isn't so that people will compliment me and "like" me more. 

I create to learn. I create to explore, grow and remember. 

I create because I believe I was created to. 

So, cheers to bravery and vulnerability.

I created this piece in September of 2017. It was my attempt at an idea I had soon after I moved into my first apartment in New Castle, CO (over a year ago). I sat on this idea forever because I was “too busy” to make it happen any sooner. It was originally inspired by the song “Control” by Halsey. I’ll let you look up the lyrics if you feel like it- but the chorus has bad words, so consider yourself warned.

The entire song is very descriptive and paints a vivid (if dark) picture all on it’s own. Songs like this always motivate me to create. This image in particular was inspired by this line in the song -

“And I couldn't stand the person inside me
I turned all the mirrors around”

The image that originally popped in my head was drastically different than the image you see here, but my messy creative process often causes that to happen.

Regardless of the original vision I have and the route I take to get to my final image, the way I create is all about control. I have control over every aspect of this art. I choose the subject, pose, lighting, composition, colors, mood, textures, layout, background, focus, message, and more. This explains my aversion to portrait photography (senior photos, weddings, newborn, maternity, engagements, etc). A character in one of my favorite TV shows put it this way - 

“Painting is a metaphor for control. Every choice is mine. The canvas, the color. As a child I had nether a sense of the world nor my place in it but art taught me that one’s vision can be achieved with sheer force of will.” 

Food for thought: 

Did my explanation of this piece change your perception of it?  

What did you think of it before you read this blog post?  

I'm blogging to share my perspective, but I value yours much more than my own, so if you feel so inclined, leave me a comment on what this piece illustrated to you before I derailed your train of thought :)

“Control”
2017
Self Portrait