I’m changing for the millionth time in my life. 

But this time, I’m actively choosing, considering and enjoying the process. 

I’m choosing (over and over and over and over and over and over) to change from who I’ve been into who I want to be. 

I’m considering what this really means. What this means I will loose, what I stand to gain, and what I have to do to accomplish this change. I’m considering God’s design for me as his child and his heir. 

I’m enjoying getting to know this new me, as I become her. I’m enjoying hearing God’s voice louder than ever before. 

Previously in my life, I’ve been forced to change. By circumstances out of my control, compromises I didn’t consciously realize I was making, and by letting my guard down when I should have kept it up. 

“The greatest hazard of all, losing the self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly.” -Soren Kierkegaard.

(Except losing your keys- I’ve been told they don’t make a sound when you lose them…) ;)

Some people might just say this is what it means to grow up, but I refuse to accept that. I refuse to believe that as we grow up we must grow bitter, damaged and hurt. I refuse to become someone who facilitates the growth of darkness in this world. 

Sometimes the version of myself that I’m leaving behind speaks up and reminds me that the world is full of people who are bitter, damaged and hurt, and to belong I must become one of them. She is feeling neglected and hated, hurt and worthless, and she will say anything to get me to stop denying her. This is just confirmation that I am right to leave her behind. 

Embracing my identity as the daughter of a king means cutting ties. It means shedding skin. It requires exposing demons dressed as saints. 

More to come on this subject.

“I see you moving and they’re getting scared
Their eyes are focusing on something else
You’re staring at me and I stare at you
I rage against everything that you do.

See them surrender
Spread out your open hands
And he will raise you up
Confessing all that's broken
Look at the healing come
Spread out your open hands
Admit you've held them shut
Be swept away by this” - Flyleaf

“Swept Away”
2018
Self Portrait(s)