idem (latin: same)
I just want to take a second to thank you for being here. For being interested in what I have to say, for whatever reason. I’ve been really surprised by the people who mention that they’ve read my blog over the past few months. I honestly have no idea who I’m writing to, here (and I’m very much okay with that). But even knowing that 5 people read this stuff honestly blows my mind. I'd also like to apologize for my consistent mis-use of commas and dashes and ignorance as to where to put the period after a parenthesis. :).
I was told this week that I have the presence of a leader, and that when I speak, people listen. I was told I carry influence.
THAT’S CRAZY TO ME.
My hope for my art and this blog has always been to somehow reach someone who might be struggling with the same things and simply let them know they aren’t alone. If that were to gain traction and I were given the opportunity to do this as my full time job, I wouldn’t be opposed, but that’s never been my goal. I create because I must, and I share because if my art could help someone in any way, I would be over the moon. God has given me this gift and I want to use it to bring healing through Him and glorify Him. I don’t see myself as influential, but if that’s true, it’s really good to know! (LOL) That encourages me to be more intentional in everything I do and say. If that’s a gift God has given me, it’s one I want to steward wisely.
The concept behind this piece has been particularly tricky for me to articulate… I shot the images and got everything on a blank canvas in photoshop in 1 day, and then couldn’t get it to come together the way that I wanted, because I had no idea what I was making it for. I had the idea pop into my head and had the time to shoot the images the same day, so I did. But when I got down to piecing it together, I had no purpose. That was a weird thing to work through, and took about 7 weeks.
Turns out, I had to have a few conversations in order to understand the art I had already made. (I know - my life is weird.)
Identity is something I’ve been wrestling with since High School, just like everyone else. And while I definitely believe that we’re constantly changing and “identity” is an incredibly intricate and tricky subject, I also believe that there are certain patterns that emerge in people that establish a baseline for who they are.
For a LONG time, I refused to accept (it didn’t even really occur to me) that being the daughter of a king was my identity. What’s that even mean?? Especially to a high schooler?
I’ve been exploring my identity through my art since my sophomore year of high school when I took my first graphic design class.
As a result of this struggle, I’ve always been a little obsessed with hearing people’s first impressions of me. In high school, most people said they thought I hated them when they first met me, because of my RBF (“a facial expression which unintentionally appears as if a person is angry, annoyed, irritated, or contemptuous, particularly when the individual is relaxed, resting, or not expressing any emotion”). I got a lot of the same in college, so I started to be intentional about not giving people what they perceived to be “dirty” looks, especially if I hadn’t met them yet.
I like to hear what people’s perception of me is because I don’t know who I am. My instinct is to ask other people who they think I am, and work off of that. Do I like their perception, or not? - adjust accordingly.
Do people see me as a leader? Do they see me as an extrovert? Do they think I’m friendly? Trustworthy? Flaky? Hard to read? Insecure? Awkward? Funny? (Probably not) Intelligent? Annoying? Wise? Naive? Boring? Lazy? I could go on. (Don’t worry - I won’t.)
So, like the person in this image, I’m blind. To who I am. I’m familiar with different parts of me, but unsure of how they all fit together, and beyond that, I’m blind to how I’m perceived.
Slowly, and with a lot of help, I’m starting to piece it all together. I’m sure this is a process I’ll go through for the rest of my life, but in this season of establishing the patterns that make me who I am, I’m happy to have the people in my life that I do and serve a God who loves me and knows me better than I know myself (something that apparently isn’t hard to do lol).
To be continued…